My Stork Got Lost

I knew it was too good to be true.

I’m glad I didn’t tell Quincy anything. I don’t know what that spotting was, but my period came hot and heavy today. I’m so completely depressed. And I’m a bit freaked out; this is way abnormal for me.

Let me try to make sense of this.

Okay, I have an interesting cycle. I’ve never really given it too much thought until lately, but now with all the stuff going on and me keeping such accurate records with my phone’s app, I’ve started to see patterns that worry me a smidge. This isn’t how it’s always been, either.  This is just how it’s been over the past couple years or so, I just never cared until now.

Normal for me isn’t what I would consider normal for anyone else. Toward the end (or beginning? whatever) of my cycle I spot for a day – different than the spotting I experienced on the 24^th, but a gooey, brown-tinged discharge. Nothing really gets on my panties, nothing that needs so much as a panty liner, and nothing that really looks like blood like it did on the 24^th. This is just a brown tinged goo that I wipe away when I go to the bathroom. I’ve read up on it, and this – the spotting before the actual start of your period – is normal for a lot of women. In fact, the first appearance of this spotting is actually the first official day in your cycle. However, usually, if a woman spots before she gets her period then she’ll spot for a day and the very next day it will immediately become her normal flow.

But this isn’t how it works for me. A few days before the calendar says I’m supposed to start, I’ll get the brownish goo for 24-36 hours. Nothing significant and not really any cramping, just a little mild discomfort (and I probably get depressed and bitchy, because it means that I’ve gone another month without getting pregnant). Then, there will be nothing – not a drop of anything, no discharge at all – for another two or even three days. Then, 2-3 days after the brown goo disappears (so what would be I guess the 4-5^th day of my cycle, even though I haven’t had any real bleeding at all…), the flood gates open.

No exaggeration here, I’m serious. All of a sudden, it feels like I’m peeing my pants. I rush to the restroom and clean everything up, but I’m changing a super-plus tampon every three hours for the next two days, and I still get spillage sometimes. Then, just like that, it stops. And I get nothing for another 2 days, after which I get a “normal” flow for another day or two. So, technically, if I were to say that my period started at the first sign of spotting, I’m having a period that lasts, on and off, for 10-12 days.

Which I guess is no wonder why I can’t get pregnant – I really have no idea when I’m really ovulating.

But I was so sure this time. Quincy and I…ya know…perfect timing. I’ve read up on all the signs of ovulation – the mild cramping on one side of your abdomen, the changes in your CM, and so going by that and my calendar, seriously, the timing should have been spot on. Then when I saw that spotting a couple weeks ago it felt so right. Things were different, you know? Things were happening that I’d never really experienced before. The math was there – the spotting came right around the time that if I had conceived, it would have been the implantation. I had bought that test, and according to my calendar, I was three days late. So, at work yesterday made up my mind to test this morning, what would have been my fourth day late and you’re supposed to test with the first pee of the day. But nope. Around 4pm yesterday, it hit. Full on, dead in the face, no warning spotting, nothing. Just boom.

This period is insane. This is the heaviest flow I’ve ever had, which is saying A LOT. It’s like adding insult to injury – not only am I not pregnant, but I’m going to ruin panties and run through tampons and – it’s just gross. There are chunks of stuff in the toilet when I pee. I’m actually cramping more and I get dizzy when I move around too fast. The water is brown, just from the, what, 30 seconds or so it takes to sit and pee?

I can’t really ever remember a time when my flow was this heavy.

Urgh.

So I told Genia today about the spotting!

We talked while I was on lunch. She’s now as excited as I am – this is getting real. I’ve sworn her to secrecy – I don’t even want my mom to know right now.  My mother has started asking a lot about things I’d rather not talk to her about, so I’ll have to tell her something, but not right now.

I never realized that my mother would start constantly asking me about my sex life and periods right after I got married.  But I guess she wants another grandchild as badly as we want a baby…and she’s always been really blunt, so I can’t really fault her.

Anyway, I told Genia what happened, and about the minor cramping I’ve been having. Plus I’ve been nauseated, but that could be a lot of wishful thinking, or nerves, or any number of things. My boobs aren’t sore, but Genia says that would come a couple weeks from now. Lisa says I’ve been kind of moody lately, too, so I dunno. My moods do feel very different from normal PMS mood swings, so I’m going to buy a test. I don’t want to test too soon, though. There would be nothing worse than taking the test too soon and getting a negative result. So I’ll do it so I’ll wait until I’m officially a few days late. My period is a little weird, but it’s never been more than 2 or 3 days late.

Okay, I haven’t kept a journal in years.

Right before Quincy and I started dating, I remember I had to keep one for a class, so I kept a personal journal on the side. It wasn’t a real journal – at that time, I was still settling into my new relationship with Jesus, so it was less of a journal and more of a written prayer log; me writing down my thoughts and feelings for Jesus. I think it really brought me closer to myself and to God, so hopefully THIS journal brings me closer to myself, and closer to the baby that hopefully comes at the end of this.

I hope that I can keep it up, and then maybe give it to a future daughter once she starts trying to get pregnant. But that’s in the distant, distant future.

Right now, this is for me.

Okay, I think I’ve gotten ahead of myself. All of this is coming out right now because – I started spotting on Saturday!!! Like, honest to goodness, no-way-this-can-be-my-period spotting! I could be pregnant RIGHT NOW!

Nat, Sandy, Chris and I were at Stacked, the amazing restaurant that offers gluten free pasta, burgers, pizza…we were having a blast, giggling, and watching a USC game. I had a drink, and we were all tasting each other’s drinks – Chris tasted Sandy’s mojito and asked, “why am I chewing?!” when he hit the chunks of mint leaves. But anyway, I was a little tipsy and needed to pee, so I scurried off to the bathroom before heading out.

And found one little lonely drop of blood on my panties.

Okay, two things happened here. One, I freaked out a bit, to be honest. I did the math – Quincy and I had sex a couple weeks ago, when I knew I could be ovulating, so I pulled out my My Days app right there and did the math. I know, having been through this now for months – that one of the first signs of pregnancy is something called implantation spotting – a teeny bit of spotting 10-12 days after intercourse during ovulation. The fertilized egg travels down the Fallopian tube, lands in the uterus, and attaches to the wall (now the womb). And boom. Well, not boom.  But anyway.

Some women feel minor cramping and a little bit of spotting when this occurs. The nerd in me imagines this is like the Enterprise docking in a space station – a little bit of bumpiness, then all’s well.

Anyway, the math – the timetable – is perfect. And my period is over a week away. I was probably grinning like an idiot coming out of the bathroom, but I didn’t care. I could be pregnant! This is amazing! But I was drinking. Not much – I don’t drink much anyway, and I get tipsy after one drink no matter what, but wouldn’t you know that the FIRST TIME I see signs of pregnancy, I’m pretty much at a bar. So, yeah, minor freak out.

Still a little concerned, although Nat has told me it wouldn’t matter, I didn’t drink much and if it was implantation spotting, it’s just a clump of cells right now and nothing would really hurt it. I hope she’s right.

Anyway, I did tell Nat. That was the second thing. Pretty sure she didn’t care to know that all the details, but she’s my best friend, and I had to tell someone. I haven’t told Quincy yet – I’m not going to until I miss my period, if by some chance I’m not, I don’t want to freak him out. I’ll wait and then find some fun way to tell him.

So, yeah. I don’t want to get ahead of myself – I’ve wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth since I first figured out what they were, and to think that it’s right around the corner is amazing, scary, and exciting all at the same time. Are we ready for a baby? Is anyone really ready?

I remember on the night of our wedding, my brother, Colt, was refusing to get up and dance with me. I told him that I could be pregnant in a week, and this would be the last time he’d get to dance with me. That made him laugh.

I really thought I’d get pregnant on our honeymoon. So, this has been a long time coming. I KNOW I was ovulating on our honeymoon, and fully expected to come back pregnant like Lisa’s sister-in-law did. Theirs was kind of a surprise; I was wishing and hoping it would happen. Maybe I was trying too hard. Or whatever.

But now, it’s the end of August, and even if I am pregnant, I’ll still fit in my dress for Allie’s wedding (it’s a little big right now anyway), and I wasn’t really even thinking about it until this weekend. So, I guess time will tell. It’d be perfect. If I am, the baby will be born right around my birthday (I think…again, I suck at math).