I’m the worst wife in the world. I’m a horrible person.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my selfishness that I get really insensitive to other people. Namely, Quincy.
I told him in the car today that I think I lost that baby. In the car. I was just driving home, talking, telling him how I felt, why I was so moody, spewing a bunch of crap all at once, and it just came out.
He looked crushed, which shocked me. Then I felt like an ass. It was his baby too. How did I not know it was going to affect him that much? Honestly, he’s never really seemed that interested in the whole baby thing. He’s always been, “whatever happens, happens,” and he jokes about how he’d leave me if I ever got pregnant. We have a weird relationship. An amazing, indescribable, perfect relationship that many people don’t understand, so his jokes never really bother me, but I do realize they’re coming from a small sliver of truth. Not that he’d leave me. He’d never do that. I just know that I’m way more interested in having a baby than he is. He’s a guy, right?
But I never stopped to think about how he’d feel if I actually lost one. I didn’t even think about his feelings. I didn’t consider them. How was I to know it would affect him so much? It still affects me. I let it sit with me for ages, and I was crushed. I’ve had what, two months to think about it, process it, to try and come to terms with it, and yet I still think about it all the time. One day I’m fine, the next day I think about it, and all those what ifs start popping up in my head again.
But today, I blindsided him. Just chatting in the car, driving home, and boom. That was so cruel. I didn’t mean for it to be. I didn’t mean to be so heartless. I guess I thought that since he always seemed moderately disinterested in the whole baby thing that he wouldn’t be bothered by it.
But he’s human. He’s Quincy, and he has the biggest heart of any man I know, and I just told him his baby died like someone would ask if he’d like fries with his burger.
Wow, I’m an awful person. God, forgive me.
My Stork Got Lost 