Good morning, Baby!
So, there’s some good news to talk about today. It’s a new year, like I said. I won’t tell you I have any New Year’s resolutions, because I don’t really believe in them. I’ve made and broken resolutions in the past; life gets in the way and I’m unable or unwilling to follow through. I hate feeling like I’m setting myself up for failure. Promising yourself to do something and then having it fall through is a double whammy. So I don’t say things I can’t guarantee any longer. It’s counterproductive.
And I also won’t say that THIS YEAR will be the one where we find you. Or that THIS YEAR will be the year I get pregnant (and stay that way). I can’t say that. I’ve been saying that for the last, what, five years? At least. How far back should we go? It’s not a guarantee, it’s not even all that likely; and when the end of the year comes and we still don’t have you, it makes for a pretty crappy December.
I mean, case in point – you were with me on the couch this past Christmas. Part of that stemmed because I was so sure we’d find you in 2017, and when it didn’t happen…it got ugly.
So anyway. I can’t and won’t say anything that I absolutely can’t guarantee, 100%. So, I will say this:
Several years ago, I started working at a small post house in Burbank as an assistant editor for tv marketing campaigns. It was my first week at this new job, and the campaign I’d come in on was the film Legend of the Guardians. You’ll probably read this series one day, if you’re anything at all like me (if you’re like your dad, you’ll be reading Hank the Cowdog and Calvin and Hobbes comics, and that’s okay too).
Anyway, this started off as a series of novels about a bunch of owls who befriend one another and go on a long journey to find the Tree of Ga’Hoole, where all these powerful and benevolent Knight Owls live. These Knight Owls are like the Avengers of the owl kingdom. Or the Justice League. They’re superheroes. Champions.
So these ordinary owls form a group and they all go on this long journey to appeal to the Knight Owls to help them fight this army of bad-guy owls who are kidnapping and enslaving a bunch of owl children by hypnotizing them with the light of the full moon. It’s…complicated.
It’s actually a fun little series, but really, I’m way off topic. The only thing that matters is that these novels were turned into a movie, and in this movie – that I worked on close to a decade ago – the hero owls stop and ask this other owl for directions to the Tree of Ga’Hoole, and after the owl gives them directions, he yells after them, “when you’ve flown as far as you can, you’re halfway there!!!”
When you’ve flown as far as you can…you’re halfway there.
All these years, that particular line of dialogue – spoken by a cartoon owl in a not-quite-successful feature film – has stuck with me.
These poor owls were on an incredibly long journey and they felt like it would never end. Sure enough, when we got to the climax of the story, the young owls were so exhausted; some had fallen, others were barely hanging on – after this epic battle where they gave nearly everything they had – they were only halfway to the Tree of Ga’hoole.
I can relate. I can definitely relate. Right now, I feel like I’ve gone as far as I can. To think that we’re only halfway through finding you has me so terrified. I don’t know if I have it in me to continue for another ten-plus years. This is taking all of me.
But – I said that I had some good news, and I do. The reason why I’m thinking so much lately about those owls of Ga’Hoole and their incredible journey is that your dad and I have also reached a halfway point.
When our second retrieval failed earlier this year, we went back to see Dr. Landay one more time, to talk about where we went from there. I felt like I had lost everything, and in a way, I had. I lost all hope of you and I ever being genetically related.
But I gained something. Dr. Landay spoke to us about egg donation – how there are women out there who donate their eggs to literal egg banks, and how that may be an option for us. A donor egg.
While we may never be genetically linked – I could still get pregnant with you. I could still feel you grow inside my tummy, feel you move and kick, listen to your heartbeat. I could still give birth to you. I would be your biological mom, a miracle from an angel woman I’ve never met.
And so that became our next step. We looked into egg donation and calculated exactly how much it would cost to get you from a donor; to have you shipped to us, and go through the transfer to get you growing inside of me. It’s an astronomical, barely-fathomable cost for most people, but we started working toward it. It became my goal. My focus. My purpose.
And today, my sweet, sweet baby – we’re halfway there. We have saved exactly half of the cost it’s going to take to find you this way. We’re no longer climbing uphill. The end is in sight. YOU are in our sight. If everything goes perfectly, we’ll have enough saved up by late spring, early summer at the latest.
I don’t make new year’s resolutions. And I know we’ve been down this road, or a road like it, several times before. We saved for the IUIs. We saved for the IVF not once, but twice. Is this cost greater? Of course it is. Is this road longer and harder? You bet. But if the reward at the end of this is you, I’d gladly save up the cost hundreds of times over.
Most couples get their children for free. I’m not talking about doctor’s bills and general baby expenses, I know that’s expensive, but it’s generally free for a mom to get pregnant with her child. Nothing about our journey to find you has been free, or easy, or quick.
But I’ve gone as far as I can. If this means we’re halfway toward someday finding you, then we’re closer than we’ve ever been before.
And I can tell you right now, the first series we’re reading together at bedtime will be the Owls of Ga’Hoole.
Consider that my very first promise to you.
Love,
Mom
My Stork Got Lost 