I’m still reeling over the insensitive comment about adoption the other evening, and it’s got me thinking. The thing is – I know people don’t intentionally say hurtful things. People aren’t usually wired that way. I understand that this subject is by and large faux pas to begin with. People aren’t given too many opportunities to say anything at all, so when the time comes…they don’t really know what to say. Infertility is a very private matter, and it’s understandable that most people won’t know how to respond.
So, here’s a list. It contains things you should never, ever do or say to an infertile couple (most of which, sadly, have been said/done to me at one point).
DON’T tell us to “relax” or “try not to stress.”
Unfortunately, this is the one I’ve gotten the most often.
First of all, infertility is stressful. Period. Infertility is a medical condition diagnosed once the couple has tried and failed to conceive for over a year. There are countless blood tests, sperm tests, genetic tests and medical procedures that are run before the couple is officially diagnosed as infertile.
This isn’t something that’s fixable with a glass of wine and a massage. Relaxing won’t grow follicles. Relaxing won’t create higher sperm counts. Relaxing won’t fix chromosomal disorders.
Hearing someone tell us to relax is like nails on a chalkboard. That’s like telling someone with lupus or a hernia to just to calm down and it’ll go away on its own.
Please stop blaming us for our own infertility.
DON’T tell us we don’t need children. Who really needs kids, anyway? Are you implying that we’d make shitty parents? Or, worse, that our life is so great that having children would take something away from us? Or – much, much worse – saying that only people with shitty lives need children?
Isn’t that counter intuitive? Wouldn’t people with great families, good jobs, and a network of close friends make exceptional parents? Why, exactly, would you suggest this?
Also, DON’T tell us we aren’t meant to have children. Or, conversely, that it’ll happen “if it’s meant to be.” So…drug addicts and child abusers and alcoholics and pedophiles were meant to have kids, but I wasn’t? This makes no sense.
I get it. Some people don’t want kids, and that’s super fantastically okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. But some people do. Please don’t minimize this.
Speaking of minimizing…DON’T minimize our pain: Making jokes can easily diffuse a stressful situation, but often times, saying the wrong thing can exacerbate the problem. Don’t joke about the male partner “shooting blanks,” or offering to be a sperm donor with a wink and a smile, and please, please don’t say any of the following:
- “Well, time to try harder!” – great job implying we’re doing something wrong while bringing our sex life into it. See also: my rant on “the fun is in the trying!!”
- “Be lucky you don’t have to…” – Insert any number of crazy parenting scenarios here. Diaper blowouts. College tuition. Temper tantrums. Cleaning Sharpie off the walls. Breaking up sibling fights. We know what is involved in being a parent. Someone spending so much time and effort trying to become one clearly has some idea about what they’re getting into and don’t consider themselves “lucky” that they’re missing the opportunity.
- “Well, you can still…” sleep late/travel/go out with friends/blah blah blah. See above. None of these are helpful, and it really just conveys that you don’t understand or empathize with us.
DON’T offer unsolicited advice. People have told me to try acupuncture, holistic specialists, gluten free\sugar free\meat free\paleo\vegan\organic\low salt\no salt\keto diets. Any number of things. My favorite was when someone told me I needed to keep track of my ovulation. Yeah. Because THAT never occurred to me. Thanks.
Here’s the thing. We’ve been in this position a long, long time. Over a year of trying, minimum. We’ve read books, trolled blogging websites. We’ve done our homework. Don’t assume that because don’t talk openly about everything that we are ignorant or uninformed. Don’t talk down to us. Chances are, we will have either already tried whatever you plan on suggesting, or we will have dismissed it as crackpot, like “relaxing” and “going on a vacation.”
Now, a caveat to this is – if you had struggles with infertility yourself, maybe you want to tell us what worked for you. This is totally fine, in my book. But remember, just like every pregnancy is different, everyone’s infertility is different. There is no cure-all that works for everyone.
DON’T keep your pregnancy a secret. This is especially important. Yes, I feel a little twinge of sadness and jealousy over my situation every time a friend shares their happy news, but that pales in comparison to the happiness I feel for them. Being able to share in good news with a dear friend is wonderful and we don’t want to miss out.
Please don’t shy away from us. We’re your friends. We love you. We want to laugh with you, and cry with you, and be happy for you no matter what’s going on in our lives. And you have to trust us on this. If you don’t think we’d be happy for you and your baby news…why are we friends? Please don’t try to shield us. We’re adults. We can handle it, and would be thrilled you weren’t dealing with infertility as well.
DON’T push adoption. We’ve covered this, but I want to add to it. DON’T push IVF. DON’T push for us to stop treatment, or to continue treatment once we’ve decided on our own to end them. Whatever we do with our lives, our families, and our bodies is 100% our business. We have our own reasons for why we’re doing what we do.
Seriously, sometimes all we need is someone to listen. We don’t really need you to say anything. Or, if you like, try, “I know this very difficult for you. I’m here if you need me.”
People have said this to me, and believe me, it is always welcome and appreciated.
My Stork Got Lost 