I now completely understand why babies cry. It’s not that they’re upset about a dirty diaper, or that they’re hungry, or that they can’t reach the electrical cord to the hair dryer and chew on it. It’s just that they have so much stuff going on in their little heads and they have no other way to express it.
They can’t talk, they can’t really move around all that much, and even if they could talk, they simply wouldn’t be able to put all that’s going on with them into words.
This is exactly where I am today. I’m a hot mess.
There is so much going on in my head right now – not all of it is bad, but there’s just too much stuff in there, and the only thing I can do is cry. I’m sitting at my desk with a huge lump in my throat and a dwindling box of tissues and the sad thing is, I’m not even too upset about any particular thing at the moment.
It’s just everything is all jumbled up right now, there are so many emotions and fears and doubts and questions and…everything. I can’t even describe exactly how I’m feeling right now or process it all. So I’m pretty weepy and gross.
What’s going on today? Let’s catch up.
We upped the dose of follitropin to 150 IU daily, starting on CD3. On my CD 3 baseline ultrasound, I had a total of 8 follicles, which was more than ever for me. This was last Wednesday.
I had my CD7 ultrasound Sunday with Dr Koopersmith, after 4 nights of 150 IU follitropin injections. She and Dr. Landay switch off working weekends, since fertility cycles don’t ever take days off. Anyway, of the 8 follies we saw on my u/s, 7 were growing. This was good. But, according to Dr Koopersmith, only 1 or 2 looked like they would eventually mature. I had a 12mm, an 11mm, a 7mm, three 6mm, and a 5mm follicle. The smallest ones would never mature in time.
Yesterday I used my last 150 IU dose of follitropin and went in this morning for my CD 9 ultrasound.
Of the 7 I had Sunday…we’re down to 5. A 15mm, two 14mms, a 12mm, and a 6mm. So, we’re down follicles, but there are now three – not just the 1 or 2, that may actually mature and ovulate. The 12mm one is really iffy – it may or may not. But Dr Landay said she wanted to see 3-4 mature, so this is good. It’s actually great.
But – they’re nowhere near big enough right now. And they only grew 1-3mm in 48 hours. They need to be over 20mm, and I don’t see that happening. Last cycle I got pregnant with a 25mm follie, so seeing the small ones take the wind out of my sails a bit. This also means I have to spend an additional $400 today on another round of follitropin, which I totally hadn’t planned on. I’ll need 2, possibly 3, more days of the injectables. We did a blood test today to check my Estrogen and LH levels to see when I may ovulate, and they’ll adjust the meds accordingly.
This is a very expensive month. We can’t keep doing this forever. It’s not just about the money, which is a burden itself, but it’s the roller coaster ride, the injections, everything. It’s a lot to process, and I’m not handling it as well as I could be today.
We can handle the money, just barely. Months of ultrasounds and IUIs and blood tests and various other procedures without having any of it covered by my insurance is really taking a toll on our finances. I hadn’t expected it to go on for so long, really, and I don’t know how much longer we can dump all of our discretionary income into this. We have very little wiggle room in case something happens to one of us, one of the critters, the house or the car…it’s not a good place to be.
I remember when I started on the first cycle of Clomid I thought I’d get pregnant instantly. I remember thinking that since my diagnosis was “unexplained infertility”, there was still a possibility that Q and I were just messing up our timing or doing it wrong or something (teehee…literally…). But turns out, that’s not the case. Now there’s talk needing IVF, which we can in no way afford on our own…and that weighs heavily on my mind.
This cycle, my follies are small, even though I have more than before. I’m worried that if I couldn’t get pregnant with larger follies, the small ones have absolutely no chance of success. Dr. Landay assures us that it’s not about the quantity of follies or their size, but about their quality. She’s seen successful pregnancies with small follicles. This is where the AMH factor comes in, and mine is good.
But it’s still a worry.
Also, I have three follies this cycle that may mature and ovulate. Those three could potentially produce multiples. Or nothing at all. I understand the risk with multiples, which is a little greater on injectables than on Clomid or Letrozole. There’s about an 11% chance of multiples on injectable hormones but only an 8% chance on Clomid.
Of course, there’s an 18% chance of multiples on the combination Clomid and injectables, and that didn’t happen last cycle.
So, I understand the risks. And I can do math…the chance of multiples resulting from 3 mature eggs is greater than 1 or 2 mature eggs. So, the risk is greater this cycle, and it’s not something I really want. I will be thrilled with whatever happens, but I’m concerned about the risk to myself and my kiddos if I carry more than one. I’m a small person.
I’m thinking of double (or triple) child care costs when I have to go back to work. I’m thinking about the cost of raising one child, and the difficulty raising just a singleton, and I don’t know if I have it in me to raise two or more at the same time. So, it scares me.
All of it is just a lot to process. I’ve got a nice roaring stress headache right now.
My Stork Got Lost 