A little Thursday sitcom:
Background information: An HCG is a blood test to check for the pregnancy hormone. It stands for Human chorionic gonadotropin and it’s the hormone produced by embryos after they’ve implanted. It’s what you test for when you pee on a stick and hope for a second pink line.
An HSG is hysterosalpingogram. It’s a sadomasochistic procedure where they shove a garden hose through your cervix and squirt you full of radioactive dye, then snap pictures to check for blockages in your girlie parts. I’ve had both, mainly cause they won’t do an HSG without an HCG, because it’s generally frowned upon to knock a zygote in the nose with radioactive sludge on a stick.
That said: I had the HSG Friday last week and have been not-so-patiently waiting results. Remember, it was delayed a month already. I had an HCG test (also called a beta test) a week ago today, because they needed to make sure I wasn’t pregnant before they shot me full of dye. Spoiler Alert: I wasn’t.
Anyway, when I called Tuesday, I was told the results were in and my doctor would look over them and call me back Wednesday. She didn’t. They called today, left a message that the results were ready, and I returned their call.
Real conversation I just had with my doctor’s office (abridged, with color commentary added in bold):
Me: …Hi, I’m wondering about my test results…
Med Assist: One moment..
Insert overly-happy elevator music here…for 5 minutes…
Med Assist: Mrs. Miller? Oh, hi. Yes, the doctor has read over your results and, well….you’re not pregnant.
Blink. Blink blink blink.
Me: Um, I know..? Ya moron. I thought we were checking for blockages?? Because we all KNOW I can’t get pregnant.
Med Assist: Um, what test did you have?
I swear I can HEAR her twirling her hair on her finger…
Me: An HSG.
Like it says in the notes. Right in front of you.
Med Assist: Not an HCG?
*Brittney bashes head on desk*
Me: I’ve had one of those too. We knew the results of that, which prompted the HSG.
Med Assist: And when did you have the HSG?
*Brittney bashes head on desk again*
Me: Friday. It should be in the notes?
On your desk. In front of you. Ya moron.
Med Assist: One moment…
Insert overly-happy elevator music here…for 5 minutes…again…
…Brittney throws something….
Med Assist: Mrs. Miller?
Me: Yes ma’am.
Med Assist: The doctor must have only reviewed the HCG. I’ll make a note to have her review the other test and call you back.
Me: Thanks.
FOR NOTHING!!!
I dunno, guys. I’m seriously reconsidering my chances with this particular doctor.
My Stork Got Lost 