Happy new year.
So it’s been awhile since I updated this thing. Between work, and feeling like an ass, and the holidays, I didn’t feel like writing anything down. But a ton of stuff has happened that has really affected me.
First of all, a good friend I went to high school with announced she was pregnant back in October. Which was amazing, except she had a really, really rough pregnancy, spent the last few months in the hospital, and delivered her baby January 5. The baby is super early, and my heart is breaking for her. I’ve been so concerned about getting pregnant that I haven’t thought of all the things that can go wrong once I get there.
My friend doesn’t even know if her baby will survive. I can’t imagine going through something like that. If I can’t handle the thought of a possible miscarriage, there’s no way I’m strong enough to deal with a super complicated pregnancy, a preterm birth, and the weeks (or months) my poor friend has ahead of her, wondering if her teeny tiny baby will ever make it out of NICU.
My friend is a very strong Christian, and I know she’s praying her way through this. So am I. That doesn’t negate the fact that this entire situation is so cruel. The joy of pregnancy and excitement planning a nursery and all the nesting that mommies-to-be must do, all of that taken away. She found out her pregnancy was going to be tough either 12 or 16 weeks in, I forget exactly when. But either way, that’s so early. And she spent the last couple months on complete bed rest, and then in the hospital. No baby shower. No getting a nursery ready. Every day just wondering if her baby was going to make it. I can’t imagine how much pain she was in. She’s the strongest person I know.
More than anything, this has really changed the way I think about pregnancy and babies. I’ve been so concerned over just trying to get pregnant that I’ve failed to even consider what would happen once we got there. Every pregnancy is different, and everyone struggles, but from conception through to birth and beyond, every little step is a miracle, and something that’s not to be taken for granted.
And once the child arrives, what then? Would I be a good mom? Would I be able to handle the rough times? Would I be as strong as she is?
I KNOW I want to be a mom. More than ever. Several friends have had babies recently, and when I visited another friend’s baby late last year, I remember crying while I held him in my arms. Breathing in that fresh baby scent. Feeling his warmth against my chest. I started to really wonder if that would ever be my baby. And now my heart is so heavy with Stef and her tiny premie. It’s hard not to imagine myself in her situation.
But this is a new year, and with life, there is hope. There is hope for Stef and her baby girl. And there’s hope for me and Quincy, too. The only thing we can do is take each day one step at a time, and do whatever we can to get us where we want to be.
On that note, I actually made an appointment with my doctor. He’s a male doctor, and as much as that bothers me, thinking I’ll have to talk about all this with a dude, I’m tried of sitting around moping that I’m not getting pregnant and not actually DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I don’t have an OBGYN right now, so I’ll go to my primary care (Dr. Kaplan, he’s actually wonderful), and he’ll refer me to someone who can help.
That’s the plan, anyway.
My Stork Got Lost 