Something’s been bothering me, so since I can’t talk about it with anyone, it’s all coming out here. Last week I had that super heavy period when I thought for sure I was going to be pregnant. I did some reading, talked to Lisa and Genia…I honestly think I miscarried.
I guess it’s actually called a “spontaneous abortion,” but that’s a horrible name for it. That’s really the only explanation. The spotting mid-cycle, the late period, then the super disgustingly heavy period? Oh, which only lasted for two days, by the way. And no additional surprises days later. Also, the moodiness. And nausea. So, what if my drinking at Stacked screwed something up? Is that even possible? Or what if my lupus screwed something up? I dunno.
I’m trying not to dwell on it. It’s weird, one minute I’m totally fine with it and the next minute it completely depresses me. If I was moody before, it’s a ton worse now. I even snapped at Lisa on Monday, and today is her birthday. She’s having a party at her place Saturday, and if I’m still invited, I have to go. See, there’s me being moody again. She’s my friend. Of course I would still be invited, I’m just being bitchy. All these negative thoughts are running through my mind, which isn’t helpful.
I did read that it’s apparently really common – 1 in 3 pregnancies end in spontaneous abortion before the woman even knows she’s pregnant. The egg can get fertilized, then something goes wrong and it doesn’t survive past zygote stage. Or blastocyst stage. A bunch of cells that start to multiply, then just…stop. That really doesn’t make it any easier to know, when all you’ve wanted is to create life. Having it taken right when you just start getting a twinkling of hope feels so cruel.
I hate this.
This weekend is also Allie’s shower, which just makes me more grumpy and exhausted. I need to put on my brave face and get through it. Stop being so selfish and worrying about what may or may not have been a personal tragedy and focus on Allie. She’s getting married. My wedding was perfect, and she deserves the same. I’m just in a funk. I wish all these thoughts would go away.
My mom miscarried a couple times. Pauline miscarried once, I think. I don’t even know if that’s what it was. Maybe I just had a really awful, late period this month. Which, I guess still wouldn’t explain the mid-cycle surprises, but is it better to think of a wackadoo period or a miscarriage?
You know what, though? I think I’m going to be okay with it. If that’s what it was. Maybe not now, but once all this settles down. I trust God. He does know what’s best for me, and I can’t forget that. What if I’m not ready to be a mother? I know that everyone says you can’t wait until you’re ready to have a child, because then you’ll never have one, but maybe with all this stuff going on in my life – the move and Allie’s wedding and the Barkery and everything – maybe it’s just a bad time.
And it happens a lot, too. It’s almost normal. If one in three pregnancies end like this.. it doesn’t mean that I’ll never get pregnant (and stay that way…), but that all the stars weren’t perfectly aligned or something.
Here’s something else I also didn’t know – they don’t start counting pregnancy at conception – it’s actually counted from the first day of your last period. So, if someone actually successfully conceives and becomes pregnant, as soon as conception occurs, the woman is already like two weeks pregnant. Trippy, right?
They call miscarriages this early on spontaneous abortions. The body will reject the egg, like your body knows it’s a bad egg or something, or it just won’t implant well, or the immune system will kick it out – any number of things could go wrong. The thing I’m worried about is the immune system thing.
What if my awful immune system never lets me get pregnant? Or – worse – what if all this weirdness with my period is the onset of my menopause, and it’s already too late for me? I know that women with lupus, for some reason, can go into menopause as early as age 30. Well, I’m past that. I pray to God that I’m not out of time. I guess I need to research that a bit more. It would either put my mind to rest or give me a whole slew of new things to worry about.
My Stork Got Lost 